


Jacob (I Have Loved) Text

by Lasgalendil



Series: Howling Commandos [5]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Gay Bucky Barnes, Jewish Bucky Barnes, M/M, Metafiction, POV Outsider, Religious Imagery & Symbolism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-11-30 19:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 51
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasgalendil/pseuds/Lasgalendil
Summary: "How odd it was, the Soldier thought, that Man should have such notions. That there must only be Man or Woman, Lover or Beloved, that one must be active, aggressor, that the other be passive, servile. In Love, as in all things, one gave equally of each other to become one Heart, one Flesh, one Soul. The Captain and the Boy became One, and it was Good, and they were Glad.Perhaps, the Poet said, perhaps Man is wrong. Perhaps there was never truly Love until this. The Strongman said nothing. Perhaps he disagreed. But the Boy and the Captain continued to kiss, and they were naked, and unashamed."—Falsworth, J. Montgomery:Jacob (I Have Loved). London: Penguin, 1960. Print.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is no definitive text for _Jacob (I Have Loved)_.
> 
> These are the existing excerpts from the novel as they would appear in chronological order. More will be added as the parent fic continues.

“Once there was a War, and in that War there was a Soldier. (I say once but it is not true, there was This War, as there Had Been and Are Always Wars, as there Will Be Wars Yet Again.) There were many soldiers in the War, but this soldier was different. This Soldier had a secret: the Solider was afraid, and so he was ashamed.”

— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	2. Chapter 2

"I dreamed, said the Singer, and behold in my dream there were seven runners who ran a race, yet the slowest and weakest outran them all. Thus the first shall be last and the last shall be first. And the Children said, Would you then race against us? And they hated him.   
I dreamed, said the Singer, and behold in my dream there were seven stars who sang in the heavens above, yet the smallest and dimmest outshone them all. And the Children said, What is this dream you have had? And they hated him all the more.   
So the Children were jealous of him, and plotted against him, yet his Mother heard and treasured these words in her heart."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved),_ J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	3. Chapter 3

"Would you then be a Singer? the children mocked him. Will the deaf now sing? The dumb now speak? Would you give sight even to the blind?   
I would sing, spoke the Singer. To the deaf, the dumb, the blind, the crippled. I would sing to those yet ill and whole, the hopeful and the hopeless, both Enemy and Ally, I would sing to them all alike.   
Do the Gods speak to you, Singer? the Children struck him. Do they speak to you even now?   
And if he wish to Sing, spoke one of their number, what is it to you? Is this why you Sing, asked then the Boy, and helped him to his feet. When all others would be silent? Do the Gods then speak to you and you alone?   
I Sing because I will not be Silenced, the Singer said, as to where the Song comes from, the Gods themselves or the good deeds of Men, who may say.   
You terrify me with dreams and you frighten me with visions, but Sing, the Boy took his hand and did not let go. Sing, and I will listen.   
He is mad, the Children said. Surely he is mad. Sing in silence, others begged, so all may go well with you and you may yet live long on the earth. We wish no quarrel, only Sing you not. Yet others still took great offense, and hated the Singer, crying he profanes the very name of God! So they sought to lay hands on him, and drag him outside the city, and so to stone him, yet the Boy would not permit it.   
Does a Song do you such harm, then, wondered the Boy, that you would kill the one who Sings? And if he wish to Sing, what is it to you? You may kill a Singer, yet the Song lives on.   
Yet would we kill him, the Children said. Yet even so would we see him Silenced."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	4. Chapter 4

"I would follow you, the Philosopher said. But you must permit me first to find my family.You will go to them, said She. But they will not come to you.You speak in omens and riddles, the Philosopher said, and my bowels are wracked with terror.  
They were taken for safekeeping by the Enemy, spoke the Woman, for a time they lived, and not well. But plague came at last to their encampment and the Angel of Death carried them away.The Philosopher wept and rent he his clothes. I rejoice, then, that they are beyond suffering. I too will go to rest.  
Will you not fight for us, asked She, will you not fight for the sake of them who you have loved?  
He who saves one life is as if he has saved all Mankind, and he who takes one life is as if he had slayed all Mankind. What difference does it make then whether I take my life or another’s? Yet in this way do I not spread suffering, and it may be I put an end to my own.  
Does your God not say vengeance is mine, cried She. Will not the sins of the fathers be reaped upon the third and fourth generations? Come now, stay your hand, and fight for us!  
Corrupt not the words of the Song, answered her the Philosopher. But you have delivered me from the hands of my Enemy, and the Gods have taken those whom I have loved where I am forbidden now to follow. So instead will I bless you, and anoint your head with oil. And he placed his hands upon her head, and opened his mouth and he spake, You are not taken out of man, nor does his rib form you. It is man born of woman, and not the reverse. I would curse God and die, I would fall upon the sword, but for your wisdom and your compassion. I will take the life of no man, not even mine own. Not even in vengeance or anger will I do this. But for the sake of your courage and hope, for my Deliverance, for these I will build my People their Protector. I will fashion him up out of clay as Adam of old, and he will be the Victor, the Star, and the Song. And thus may we be delivered again out the land of Egypt, and my People be set free."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	5. Chapter 5

"Place me like a seal on your heart, like a seal on your arm, said the Singer. And do not forget me, wherever you go. For I know not where the wild War may take you, and who knows how long have I to live.   
Your name is as a coal seared against my lips, said the Boy and embraced him. As an ember set within my heart. Our love is as strong as death, stronger still than even the grave. Where you go, there quickly would I follow.   
Say not so, said the Singer. For it is likely you go to your death, and leave me to my own. Say not so!"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	6. Chapter 6

"And you, yes, you, Little One. Would you go to war as well, wondered the Philosopher, and regarded him then with wisdom. Would you fight and die for King and Country, would you kill for the very same?  
No, said the Singer. I wish neither to kill nor be killed, not for King or Country, nor any Glory. But I would fight—I would die, I think—for love. I do not wish that any should perish, not even those we name as Foe. They fight for King and Country, perhaps. Or Fear. For the love of those they hold most dear. Yet many we might call Ally would indeed do the very same.  
Yet not you, said the Philosopher. You would not kill, but save them all.  
I had a dream, the Singer said. And in that dream the forces of darkness struggled against one another, the very earth trembled and was rent, and her peoples were afraid. But I sang to them then of peace and beauty, and lo the war was ended, the reign of darkness over, and the world was healed and made anew. I have no wish to be a soldier, merely a Singer. I would sing to them not of victory, but of love, if only they would listen.  
Perhaps, the Philosopher spoke, yet who can say whether any will.  
Who are you, sir, the Singer said, are you yet the Gods to know that they will not?  
This one, the Philosopher said, and pulled the Warrior aside, for he is anointed already with Truth and Love. He is the Victor, the Star and the Song, whether we would wish it or no.  
Yet he is only a singer, the Warrior spoke. He will not do.  
Your armies are filled already with soldiers, is the war yet won. asked the Philosopher. I do not chose him, nor any other, this choice has he made of his own. For he would go whether we aid him or no, and he would yet win for he is afraid neither to live nor love.  
Yet to kill, the Warrior scorned. To die. For a soldier must do all these things and still more.  
I said not a soldier, the Philosopher answered. But a Victor. For you cannot fight hate with hatred. Ware! I fear lest your war be won then with bloodshed and bullets and countless lives, yet never truly ended. And then will you know weariness, and come bitterly to regret.  
I care not for your philosophies, said the Warrior. I would a thousand soldiers craving blood and battle to one such simple singer.  
So it is victory alone you crave, the Philosopher spoke, and remembered then the imaginations of the Enemy. And never peace.  
Victory, the Warrior said. Victory at whatever costs. Victory by whatever ends. Yet I fear this Victory you speak of will prove only your defeat, warned he.If our Enemy dies as well, spoke the Warrior, then I too shall die content."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	7. Chapter 7

"So the Warrior saw the Brute and said, Surely our choice is before us. But the Philosopher answered, saying Do not look at his appearance nor the height of his stature, for I have rejected him.   
Yet he is strong, and fast, and he is above all else obedient. Surely here is a soldier unlike any other, said the Warrior. Surely it is he.   
I see not as a man sees, answered the Philosopher, for a man looks only at outward appearance. Yet I would look at the heart.   
The Singer is a good man, the Woman said. Surely our choice is before us. There are others, said the Warrior.Yes, there are others, agreed the Philosopher. But them I have not chosen."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth

 


	8. Chapter 8

And behold from the plain the Citadel of the Enemy rose high above them, and the sky was rent with darkness and ash and the bitter smell of bloodshed. So the Soldier wondered then at the Hearts of Men and the wickedness therein that they should build such things, and he was again Afraid.

_—Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	9. Chapter 9

  
I have scouted such cities before, said they the Foreigner, and have escaped unscathed.  
I too have seen such cities before the Physician shuddered, and there still my people dwell enslaved.

 

— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	10. Chapter 10

“We will work, the Boy defied him. We will work with our hands and our feet until they are bleeding. We will work with our bones and our hearts until they have broken. We will work to live, to breathe, to wreak revenge for our fallen. We will work to set ourselves free. We will work, yes. But do not forget: it is not for you. It is never for you.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	11. Chapter 11

"The Traitor, the Traitor, the Enemy called.I am that I am, the Boy replied. And am unashamed."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	12. Chapter 12

"Not all of the Enemy were entirely wicked, for some brought them bread when they were hungry, others water when they were thirsty, clothed them and sheltered them when they were naked and weary. For they saw the Boy and they said to themselves surely the Gods are with this one. And so the Boy found favour in their sight, and served them, and so was he raised up among them, and in everything he did he prospered.   
But there were yet those among them who hated the Boy, both for his gift and for his Gods, and they were jealous that he had found favour in the eyes of their masters. They could not touch him, for the Boy was appointed even above them and so was he saved for a time. But in their hearts they hated him, and sought to put him cruelly to Death."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	13. Chapter 13

"Come, they said, for you are a Soldier of the King Across the Sea. Surely will you save us! Yet the Soldier had a Secret still, once which he would not share. For he was no Soldier, not in truth, for a Soldier of the King would have no fear and would give his life gladly for King and Country. But the Soldier was Afraid, and did not wish to Die, and so was he Ashamed.   
(Or so he had been told, long ago and long enough that he would yet remember. Guard your tongues, little children, for you know not who may be listening. And be ware of words, for they are wont to slip away, and once out in the world who knows to whom the wild wind my carry them. There is no shame in Fear, dear ones, just as it is no sin to Love.)"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	14. Chapter 14

"How, the Soldier said, how is it you have no fear.I am afraid, said the Boy. This War frightens me.No but you are unafraid, said the Soldier. And we shall surely die here.Yes, the Boy answered him, surely we shall die here. And yet still I love. They may take my hope, my blood, break my very body but this alone they cannot take from me, that I have lived, and while yet living, loved."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	15. Chapter 15

"You would fight then for King and Country, said the Boy. And yet the Enemy claims glory in the very same.   
And you, the Soldier asked. What then would you fight and die for, if not for King and Country and the renown of Empire?   
Love, spoke the Boy simply. I live for love. I would die for love, if die indeed I must. And it is enough, the Soldier wondered. To live, to die for love.   
May you yet live to know someday, the Boy blessed him, the Boy laid hands upon his head. May love carry you far from here, may love yet bring you to a place of peace."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	16. Chapter 16

"Come, they said, Come. For you have scouted out the citadel of the Enemy. Tell us, what is it that you have discovered.   
The walls are high, and the gate is strong, the Boy answered them. Yet it may be we have found the means to Escape.   
You would lie to them, the Soldier wondered. Even now.   
They have lost everything, said the Boy. Would you have them lose their hope as well?"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	17. Chapter 17

"They were hungry, and tired, and weary with much toil. They were afraid and so very far from home. And so the soldiers quarreled among themselves, and there was little even the Boy could do.   
(But we mustn’t blame them too harshly, you and I—though it seems rather silly. They were afraid, and being afraid made them angry. And anger, well. Anger makes one rather careless.)"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	18. Chapter 18

"Would you yet live, even now, the Soldiers said. For the yoke of the Enemy is heavy upon us, and the Gods have turned their face away. Come, they urged the Boy, Curse God, and die. Then may we prisoners rest together, and hear not the voice of our Oppressor. Come, let us seek peace where the servant is free from his master.   
Keep your peace and leave me alone, spoke the Boy. Only let me live to love, and let come upon me what may.   
Would you do then even the works of the Enemy, others scorned the Boy. Now cry to your Gods, will any answer you? To which of the holy ones will you turn? You are a traitor, a son of darkness, may you be cast out to the place of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Would you sell even your soul? May the punishment of your iniquity rest upon your bones.   
All this would I bear, spoke the Boy, and more, for the hope of He Whom I Have Loved. If love be a sin, I lost my own soul long ago."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	19. Chapter 19

"Do you think, asked the Boy, that God is on our side.God supports the righteous, supplants the wicked, the Poet replied.Then where, the Boy wondered, where does that leave us.There is none righteous, no, not one, the Poet said. It is written.It is written, the Soldier agreed.It is written, but it is wrong. There is one, said the Boy. Yes, there is one. But this war would be the death of him, and I pray he is kept far from here.   
(And well, as you know, all prayers are answered, yet not always as one wishes. Be careful then, little ones, what you pray for.)"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	20. Chapter 20

Will you not help us, cried the Boy. Not even now?

It is not I who gives the orders, but my Masters, spoke him then the Overseer. You and I are soldiers. Such is the way of war.

And what of them? Would you yet do so while children look on asked the Boy. Would you have even them do your Master’s bidding? Far be it from you to send sons to do what even their fathers would not!

What would you have of me asked him the Overseer, That were the order to come I should slay you myself? Or would you walk then willingly to the flames, would you lay yourself down like a lamb to be slaughtered?

I would their hands were free of bloodshed and their hearts from burden, spoke him then the Boy. Of my own free will would I go if indeed go I must.

— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	21. Chapter 21

"And it came to pass the Singer had a dream. Let not your heart be troubled, said the Woman. Come. Tell me this dream you have had.   
I dreamed, said the Singer, and behold in my dream there was ash and fire, and the Boy I have loved was taken and slain upon the altar. I dreamed, said the Singer, yet behold there is none now here to interpret.   
Come, said the Woman. Come. For your dream is clear enough. And she brought him before the Warrior.   
Tell me, begged the Singer, tell me does the Boy yet live. Have you seen him whom I have loved.   
The outcry of the Enemy is great, spoke the Warrior, and their Sins exceedingly grave. If the Boy lives I cannot say, yet still would I rain down fire and brimstone from the Heavens.   
Would you slay the righteous along with the wicked, asked the Singer. Far be it from you to slay the innocent and unjust alike.   
There is none righteous, the Warrior said. No, not One.   
So the Singer was angered, and he left. Why are you angry, spoke the Woman, and why has your countenance fallen. If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up?   
I dreamed, said the Singer, and behold in my dream there were seven runners who ran a race, yet the slowest and weakest outran them all. I dreamed, and behold in my dream there were seven stars who sang in the heavens above, yet the smallest and dimmest outshone them all. I am the Victor, the Star and the Song. And so it came to pass.   
So it came to pass, said She. All this you have dreamt and more.   
On my bed at night I sought him whom I have loved, I sought him but I did not find him. I dreamed, the Singer wept, I dreamed of the Boy whom I have loved, and the dream was sweet as honey, yet now has turned to bitterness in my mouth. Behold in my dream there was ash and fire, and he whom I have loved was taken and slain upon the altar. And thus will it come to pass.   
Perhaps, said the Woman. Perhaps not. Perhaps instead you were made for such a time as this.   
What then would you have me do, the Singer wondered.   
What you have always done, said She. What you believe to be right, for you are the Victor, the Star and the Song. The Tinker will aid you and I myself will fight alongside you. Come, said the Woman. Come.   
I will be a Singer no longer, said the Captain. I will rise and go down to the city, I will seek him whom I have loved and I will find him. I will find him and I will not let him go until I have brought him safely home.   
Perhaps, said She. But what you do, you must do quickly. Come!"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	22. Chapter 22

"Where now is your god, the Enemy mocked him, where is your god when most you need him. Will your gods not save you, not even now.   
I will forsake neither the gods of my fathers nor the faith of my brothers in arms, spoke the Boy, nor yet the hope of He Whom I Have Loved.   
You are nothing, the Enemy said, your god is nothing, your people are nothing. They will be scattered like ashes. Look, already they burn.   
Ware, said the Boy. Ware. A flame knows not who sets it. Ware lest Death meet you here by your own devices."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	23. Chapter 23

"He has fallen ill from the Enemy’s abuses, the Soldier said. He is stricken and will never recover.   
It must not be so, said the Physician. Yet here I have not the means to heal him. Come, he cried to their captors, does he not serve your King? Has he not served you well? Has not he found favour in the eyes of your masters! Will you not save him?   
But the Enemy turned their face away and said, it is no business of ours whether this Boy lives or dies. We serve only at the bidding of our masters and behold, on this matter are they silent. But there were those among them who murmured amongst themselves, and said surely the Gods are with this one, and so has he been raised up, and in everything he does he prospers. Has he not increased our harvest sevenfold? Is not our yoke been made lighter by his servitude? And so they took interest in the plight of the Boy if they had not pity, and clothed him and sheltered him when he was naked and weary."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	24. Chapter 24

"You again! the Tinkerer startled. Yet the Philosopher is dead. What now would you have of me?   
Yes, he is dead, spoke the Captain. Is this then how you would mourn him.   
Once I believed as you, the Tinkerer scoffed and filled again his cup. Then the Philosopher died, and his Wisdom with him. I turned to admire all my deeds and the works of my hands that I had wrought, and I thought on all I had achieved, and behold all is vanity and striving after wind. There is nothing new, and there is no profit under the sun, and death awaits us all in the end, the wicked and just alike. Why then should I work? And what would my toil bring?   
You would drink away your worries, the Captain wondered, when others die at War.   
All that my eyes desired I did not deprive them, said the Tinkerer. I did not deprive my heart of any joy, but I rejoiced and made merry, and my heart was made glad. I have served others enough, and this now is my portion from all my toil. Come, drown your worries with wine and experience pleasure. For life is short, and it is a time of violence. Who knows how long have you to live?   
No, said the Captain, not for the sake of the Song I have sung, nor yet the hope of He Whom I have Loved.   
Vanity! cried the Tinkerer. All is vanity! What use is a Singer against swords? What can one man do against a hundred? Will your love save you even from death?   
He is a Singer no more, spoke the Woman. He is the Victor, the Star and the Song. Well would you do to succor us.   
You are mad, the Tinkerer said. Surely you are mad. In that way lies nothing but destruction and death. Come! Go you not early to your grave! There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time for searching, and a time to give up as lost, time to keep and a time to cast away.   
There is also a time to be silent and a time to speak, spoke the Captain.   
Surely this Boy is dead, the Tinkerer dismissed him. Mourn him if you must! But as for myself I shall eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may die.   
Come, said the Captain then bitterly. Come. We will find another way.   
It is wise to refuse us, said the Woman when the Tinkerer could yet hear. For such a task would prove a fool’s errand in the end. And yet who can say? Long may such a deed be remembered in song.   
Take me not for a fool! the Tinkerer laughed. Indeed all is vanity and striving after wind. Very well! Wherever there is the will to go, he said, there quickly will I take you."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	25. Chapter 25

"I have lost hope, spoke the Boy. And in losing hope have I damned us all. Yet were we not damned, the Soldier wondered, from even the beginning?"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	26. Chapter 26

> It is written, a cord of three is not easily broken said the Poet.
> 
> It is written, said the Soldier, the Strongman, the Physician, and even the Foreigner in his own strange tongue. And a strand of six even less so.
> 
> _—Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	27. Chapter 27

“They took him, the Captain said, but they cannot keep him. The grave cannot hold him whom I have loved. Go, and be not afraid.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	28. Chapter 28

"So the Physician placed his hands upon the Boy’s head, stretched out his body and breathed, and behold the breath of life returned then to the Boy.   
Speak a blessing, the Poet said. For surely this is the work of the Gods and not man.   
I will not profane the name of the Gods in disbelief, answered he the Poet. Whether the Gods of my fathers or your own strange one. Would they hear then the plea of the unbeliever? If you would have him blessed, bless him yourself! For the Physician had taken no gods and would pray to none, and so it was with his own wisdom alone the Boy was saved."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	29. Chapter 29

"We should kill them, said the Strongman. For what they have done. Aye, said the Soldier. For the blood of my countrymen. Yes, spoke the Foreigner, for the rape of my homeland. I have seen suffering, enslavement, starvation, the Physician said. They should die. They are wolves, agreed the Poet. Safely you cannot take them with you, nor safely can you leave them behind. They should die. No, said the Captain. For it is written, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.   
You would defend them, asked the Poet. Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone, the Captain answered.   
I do not agree, the Strongman said. No. I do not agree. But I will obey. When we return, said the Soldier, they will be hanged, each and every one of them. Perhaps, said the Captain. And they spoke no more on the matter."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	30. Chapter 30

"Explain yourselves, the Captain cried. What is this you have done.He was the Enemy, the soldiers said.Never take your own revenge, said the Captain. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing you will reap burning coals on his head. Vengeance is not ours. It was never yours to repay.Yet He was the Enemy, the soldiers said.He was only a child, the Captain wept. Go! Depart from me, you who practice lawlessness."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	31. Chapter 31

"You are fair, said the Boy. And my Beloved. Yet once I was sickly, spoke the Captain. Now no more.   
No, my Beloved. You are all fair. There is no blemish in you, there never was. In this you are unchanged.   
Yet I am changed, spoke the Captain.   
Once loved I a Singer, said the Boy. I love him still. And they spoke no more on the matter."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	32. Chapter 32

“Men will praise you, but they will not love you, said the Boy. They will revere you and respect you but they will not love you, not as I have loved you will any ever love you. A thousand years from now they will remember your name but never know that I have loved you. Yet I love you. I love you. Your love means more to me, the Captain kissed him, than any and all of these.  
Yet you would become a hero, the Boy replied. Very well. I cannot go home, I shall be a hero too.  
Your love, the Captain undressed the Boy to slow naked splendor, will be the death of me. And such, thought the Soldier, was the way of the world. That old Men linger, yet the young die needlessly. There was no death, the Poet said, quite so needless as to Love."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	33. Chapter 33

“The Captain spread his body like a map, left no place unexplored by fingers, lips, teeth or tongue. And if the Boy said nothing, then the swell of shaft and spill of seed spoke a hundred thousand words.   
How strange a thing, the Soldier thought, that Kings ought send men to commit violence yet take bold offense to such an act of love.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	34. Chapter 34

> So the Emissary of the King and the Emissaries of the King Across the Sea came to the Captain and knelt low and said Surely you are the Victor, the Star and the Song! Come, and fight for us! For we will anoint your head with oil and clothe you in garments of purple and gird you with the armour and sword and seal of our Kings! Then will you have gold and much glory, and we shall give you swords and soldiers and thus may we destroy utterly those we call Enemies and carve up the skin of the world and profit share and share alike.
> 
> I am the Shield and the Song, spoke them the Captain, I wish not for Swords nor Soldiers nor bloodshed nor gold nor any glory. For I am Adam made anew, formed of clay and the promise of truth. I will walk beside my brothers and with Shield and Strength will I protect the helpless and restore hope to the broken hearted.
> 
> But the Emissaries were angered, and they grumbled among themselves and sought to subdue him, saying That is not the way of War.
> 
> Spoke them then the Captain Yet it is the path to Peace.
> 
> _—Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	35. Chapter 35

"Who among you will follow me, said the Captain.   
I will follow, said the Poet. You sing a song of freedom, and my heart is glad.I will follow, said the Foreigner. My people were oppressed and downtrodden, yet you carry the flames of hope.I will follow you, said the Physician. For my hands were weary with bloodshed and bitterness, yet you bring healing wherever you go.I will follow, the Strongman said. Yes, I too will follow. But he spoke no more on the matter.   
So the Soldier alone did not speak. You mean not to follow me, the Captain said. No, said the Soldier, for I am ashamed. I alone am afraid to die.Leave the dead to bury the dead, spoke the Captain. You follow me."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	36. Chapter 36

"And what of me, asked the Boy. You do not ask me to follow you. Would you then send me from your side. Go, said the Captain. For you are weary and wounded beyond grief. Return you to your mother’s house. May the Gods deal kindly with you as you have dealt with me. May the Gods grant that you find rest.   
No, said the Boy. But I will surely go with you. Return. Return! The Captain wept. Why should you go with me?   
But the Boy said, do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you. Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, as your Victory, and so your Defeat. Where you die, I will die, and there we will both be buried. There is nothing save death that parts you from me.   
No, the Captain said. No. It is not so. Not even death may part you from me. You are bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh. What has now been joined together, no man may tear apart."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	37. Chapter 37

"How odd it was, the Soldier thought, that Man should have such notions. That there must only be Man or Woman, Lover or Beloved, that one must be active, aggressor, that the other be passive, servile. In Love, as in all things, one gave equally of each other to become one Heart, one Flesh, one Soul. The Captain and the Boy became One, and it was Good, and they were Glad.   
Perhaps, the Poet said, perhaps Man is wrong. Perhaps there was never truly Love until this. The Strongman said nothing. Perhaps he disagreed. But the Boy and the Captain continued to kiss, and they were naked, and unashamed."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	38. Chapter 38

“If we are to die on the morrow, the Captain said, what then would you have me do? Eat, drink, and be merry, the Strongman boasted, for tomorrow we may die. Then the Captain paid, and they smoked and they sang and they danced and they drank as the evening wore away. And if the solemn Captain laughed, then, they were none of them the wiser.   
You were right, the Captain said. What would you have of me.   
Nothing, said the Boy, I would have nothing of you you have not already given, given a thousand times over and more.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	39. Chapter 39

"Mercy, said the Boy and fell before the altar. Mercy, please.   
I will have mercy on those whom I will have mercy, she spoke at last. And I will have compassion on those whom I will have compassion.   
Once I was beautiful, but now am I broken, he said. Have you no pity? No, said the Woman. Only Love."

— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	40. Chapter 40

“You will leave me and I will love you. You will marry and grow old with another and I will love you. You will die and be buried and the worms will eat your flesh and yet even then will I love you. If you rise on the wings of the dawn, or settle on the far side of the sea, yet even there will I ever love you.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	41. Chapter 41

“I do not mean to hurt you, said the Captain. But hurt me you have, and hurt me you shall, the Boy replied. But I forgive you. God help me, I forgive you.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	42. Chapter 42

“You may have him for the autumn and winter, for the midnight and twilight. But I had him for the spring and summer, for the morning sunrise, and even you cannot take that from me. I loved him first, the Boy told her. God help me, I love him still.”

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved),_ J. Montgomery Falsworth


	43. Chapter 43

"Save your tears, the Woman said. The war is yet young. Save your tears like your strength for the days ahead, and your compassion for those that deserve them. Yet I am not willing that any should perish, the Captain answered, but that all would come to repentance. That is not the way of war, She said. Of that way am I already wearied, answered the Captain.   
All your life you wished to be a Soldier, She spoke at last. Perhaps it was not what you truly wanted. No, the Captain said. I have only ever endeavored to be a good man.A good man has no place in war, She said. Then perhaps it is the war that must change, and not the man, said the Captain.   
One man alone cannot change the world. Not even a good one, She said. And yet I needs must try, the Captain answered. Your ideals will be the death of you, the Woman warned. Said the Captain, I can think of none better.   
So the Woman went to the Boy. This war, She said. This world. They will be the death of him. Yes, said the Boy. Yet I will follow him. I will do in the shadows those deeds that cannot be done in the light, those deeds that must never come to light. This can I do. For him whom I have loved. Then may he live long, and pass into legend as he once was and will ever be. See to it, She spoke at last, that they don’t."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	44. Chapter 44

"I wasn’t always so, the Captain said. Once was I weak, but now am I strong. No, said the Boy, and let him inside. You were always this way, yet only I could see it. Then I wished the world to know you as you were. Now I am selfish, for I no longer wish to share."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	45. Chapter 45

"But share you must, the Woman said later. You can no more keep him than cage the wind. What you wish is a dream, and nothing more. You must awake. Yet the wind is not spurned for how it rages, nor when it ceases, said the Boy. And they have spurned him. Yes, they have spurned him. Loving the wild wind will kill you, She said. One may harness, but never embrace it. One cannot hold the wind, no matter how hard you may try.   
If he is the death of me, so be it, the Boy said. I made my peace long ago.Yet I know not whether he should survive such a thing, said She. Have care!"

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	46. Chapter 46

"Safely have you returned, said the Woman. I see the Strongman, the Soldier, the Physician and the Foreigner. Yet where is the Boy?   
He has fallen, said the Poet.And the Captain, She wondered. What of the Captain.   
If ever were you needed, you are needed now most of all, spoke the Poet. Fly now to him ere he falls."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved),_ J. Montgomery Falsworth


	47. Chapter 47

"The Enemy is defeated, said She. The War is won!Yet the Captain was quiet, and the Woman called out to him.   
All rivers flow to the sea, said the Captain. Yet the sea is not full. Where the rivers flow from, there again must they go.   
Come, said the Warrior. Come. And the Physician went with him.Do not leave me, begged She the Physician. Do not leave me alone for this!   
If this is to be your final farewell, said the Physician, I would not intrude. Not even now. For there are words that will be spoken, and I would not see you weep.   
What can I do, said She. Surely still there is something I can do.   
There will be time enough for such deeds in the World to Come, spoke the Captain. There will be peace, and hope, and life anew. Blessed are those who endure to see it.   
No, She said, for I will save you, surely will I save you. Only tell me the way!   
The Way will be long and dark before you, spoke the Captain. Long may courage carry you before your feet falter.   
Do not leave me alone, said She.You will not be alone, said the Captain. You will never be alone."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	48. Chapter 48

"Say some words, the Woman said. They are dead, said the Poet. Yes, said She. They are dead.   
They are dead. What words would you then have me say, asked the Poet. Would you I say yes, as youth is wasted on the young, so is life on the undeserving. Would you I say there is no justice, no sense, no reason. Would you I say we are born, we live, we die. That the sun shines down, the rain falls on the innocent and unjust alike. Would you I say we are fools to think any differently.   
I am no child, She said. If there truly be a God interested in our affairs, He is either unjust or impotent. Or perhaps He turned His back, the Poet replied, turned His back long ago, and has forsaken us.   
Perhaps. Yet there are those who would still seek to find favor in His sight, said She. You are The Poet. If ever you loved him or owed him loyalty, say some words. I care not whether you believe them."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth 


	49. Chapter 49

"In years to come the water would be dragged for their two bodies. Neither were ever found. But Kings and Queens would place a picture of the Captain before their soldiers, and say to them thus: This was the Captain, be like him. And they used that image to send young men to far away wars where they committed atrocities and killed innocents and did nothing at all in the name of love. In time, it was the Captain’s death and not the Captain himself that Men came to praise. But if the name and image were well known, the Captain himself had long since become inconvenient. And so was he forgotten."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	50. Chapter 50

"Do you regret, said the Woman. Do you ever regret.   
I regret, said the Warrior. Yes, I regret. Yet I do not repent. What I have done, I would do so and more again without shame.   
The Singer is dead, the Woman said. And the Captain as well.   
The Singer is dead, the Warrior said. Yet the Song lives on. You may sing it, one day, if you so choose.   
And you, said the Woman. What would you do?   
I would beat my sword into a ploughshare, and my spear into a pruning hook, spoke the Planter. For I will be a good man, a simple man, and be a Warrior no more. Perhaps someday Nation will no longer rise up against Nation, and they will no longer train for War.   
Perhaps, said the Woman. Yet perhaps it is an idle dream, and nothing more.   
There is no greater thing, said the Planter, than to dream idly, and of peace.   
Then I will take up the Captain's mantle. I will be the Shield, the Sword and the Song, said She. Go. Dream idly. Be at peace. And with that the Singer left, and wherever She went, she sang. And the people heard her, and they were glad."

  
— _Jacob (I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


	51. Chapter 51

But now the cry of the oppressed and downtrodden has afflicted me, said the Captain. I hear the voice of their suffering day and night, a great cry as though in the lands of Egypt, such as there never has before been, nor will be again. Even at night in the Boy’s embrace find I now no rest.

Then stand you forth, spoke the Woman, and lead you now the peoples through War to Victory.

I wish not for Victory, nor Mastery, nor mine Enemy’s Defeat answered Her the Captain. I desire for them only Justice and Peace, every good thing from every tree that is pleasant.

Yet they have eaten from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, said She. And thus knowing have they chosen Evil.

— _Jacob(I Have Loved)_ , J. Montgomery Falsworth


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